info for tourists

INFO ON AUSTRALIA FOR THE TOURISTS.

NO SMOKING AND NO ANYTHING IN AUSTRALIA.

CORRECT, YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO SMOKE ANYWHERE IN PUBLIC IN AUSTRALIA. ALSO, YOU MAY NOT FART IN PUBLIC, BELCH IN PUBLIC, SPIT IN PUBLIC, MASTICATE IN PUBLIC, URINATE (FOR BRITISH AND CONVICT DESCENT SUBJECTS ONLY) IN PUBLIC, DEMOCRATICALLY SPEAK OR ORATE IN PUBLIC INCLUDING DEBATE DISCUSSION OR RETORT (TO BE SURE TO BE SURE).

YOU WILL FOLLOW ALL THE SIGNS (IF YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO READ THEM ALL). YOU WILL STAND BEHIND EVERY YELLOW LINE. YOU WILL PAY THE PARKING FINE EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN THE MUNICIPALITY (WE KNOW BEST AND NEED YOUR CASH YOU DUMB CUNT SO PAY) AND YOU WILL NOT TRAVERSE CLOSED STREETS CAUSE WE IN THE COUNCIL BOUGHT CHEAP SO WE BLOCKED THE STREETS TO INCREASE OUR CAPITAL AND WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE REST OF THE COMMUNITY NOR DO THE POLICE CAUSE THEY GAVE US THE OK SO FIND ANOTHER ROUTE YOU ASSHOLE. YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO LEAN OUT OF CLOSED WINDOWS OR CLOSED DOORS AND YOU MUST SMELL OTHERS AND BE SMELLED ON THE PUBLIC TRANSPORT SYSTEM (DID YOU LIKE THE RED RATTLERS? WELL SUCKED IN THEY’RE GONE). YOU MUST NOT ENTER A MOVING BUS TRAIN OR FERRY (WE KNOW BEST, YOU WONT GET ON). YOU MUST LISTEN AND OBEY ALL PUBLIC TRANSPORT RECORDINGS AT ALL TIMES EVEN IF THE VOICE IS LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS CAUSE YOU CANNOT LOOK AFTER YOURSELF CAUSE WE KNOW BETTER. YOU MAY NOT TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO DECIDE ANYTHING CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF WHETHER FOR YOUR BENEFIT OR NOT (WE KNOW BETTER AS WE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING). YOU MUST BE PART OF THE DEMOCRACY YOU DUMB FUCKED UP SHEEP EVEN IF IT’S YOUR DEMOCRATIC RIGHT NOT TO BE SO AND YOU MUST VOTE IN THE DEMOCRACY ELSE BE FINED FOR EXERCISING YOUR DEMOCRATIC RIGHT NOT TO VOTE. YOU MAY NOT FIND YOUR OWN IDENTITY OUTSIDE THE STANDARDISED AUSTRALIAN SOAP OPERAS THAT ARE DISPLAYED ON TV AND YOU MAY NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE CIVILISED AND RESPECTFUL IN ANY RESTAURANT. YOU MUST PUSH A PRAM ONCE A WEEK AND YOU MUST LISTEN TO A CHILD SCREAMING, CRYING, YELLING, CHAFFING AT THE BIT FOR THIRTY (30) MINUTES A WEEK IN A RESTAURANT ON A PLANE IN THE BUS ON A TRAIN ON THE STREET IN A PUBLIC TOILET A HOTEL A CAFÉ A SHOPPING CENTRE ELSE YOU BE LIABLE FOR NOT BEING PART OF HUMANITY. YOU MUST NEVER EVER COMPLAIN YOU LITTLE SHITS CAUSE ONLY POOR PEOPLE COMPLAIN.

YOU MUST BE AT THE PUB EVERY DAY AFTER WORK (LET SOMEONE ELSE FUCK YOUR WIFE, G/F, LOVER). YOU MUST DRINK YOURSELF SENSELESS AND TRY BEAT A POMM AT IT. YOU MUST SPEND FIFTEEN (15) MINUTES IN A T.A.B. TO SEE WHAT YOU’LL BE DOING AFTER THE AGE OF FIFTY (50) AND YOU MUST PLAY POKER MACHINES AND GAMBLE TILL YOU’VE SQUANDERED FIVE GENERATIONS OF YOUR FAMILY’S ASSETS AND THEN BORROW SOME MORE. YOU MUST ACT LIKE A YOBBO AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY (IT’S MANDATORY) ON THE BEACH IN THE PUB AND ANYWHERE YOU APPROVE AS IT’S THE ONLY FREE REIGN YOU HAVE. YOU MUST BE LOUD IN PUBLIC WHILST TALKING ON YOUR MOBILE AS OTHERS MUST BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU (FOR WITNESSING PURPOSES, YES EVERYONE’S WATCHING AND LISTENING).

ALL FOR NOW.

Just for the travelling tourists to rest your tired bodies you may now have a Greek coffee and a glass or two of water at my place in a tropical garden close to Bondi beach for only $1.50. that’s right $1.50. Like the good old days back home in the mother country. Toasted sandwiches for 2 bucks fifty cents.

For details simply email me